Please don't use social media to get back at me.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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