There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
My vagina is officially offended.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
