I got chris browned last night
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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