it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
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