we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
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