is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Randomize
