I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Randomize
