we're blogging at a bar
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Randomize
