just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize