i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
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