I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize