All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
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