I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
I want a musical about memes.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize