Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
Randomize
