Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Randomize
