I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
God, I missed his penis.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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