fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
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