I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
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