her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
We're using joints as your birthday candles
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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