Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
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