Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
