turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
