She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize
