my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
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