If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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