bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
The best revenge is premature balding
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
