5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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