I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
