Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
you inspire me to be a worse person
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
