You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
