Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize