i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
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