It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
