you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
BRING THE BAGELS
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Randomize