Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
