I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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