totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
