Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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