I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
