Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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