I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
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