I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
it was like his penis was on wheels.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
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