so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
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