I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Randomize
