My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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