Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Randomize
