i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Randomize
