Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
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