you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Randomize
