Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
