i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
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