You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
whose ass print is on the piano?
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
