Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Randomize