So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
