Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Randomize
