careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
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