She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
