Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Randomize