There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
