I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize
