I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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