A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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